


the hunger feels so good

by justcasey



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, F/F, and when i say projection i mean PROJECTION, could be very triggering for anyone dealing with an ed so please be careful!!, literally just projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28809429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justcasey/pseuds/justcasey
Summary: so few calories, so much guilt.gigi tries so hard to be perfect.and crystal tries so hard to stop it.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	the hunger feels so good

**Author's Note:**

> its 680 words of pure projection  
> also its my first time writing crygi so please be gentle!! and it was written all at once so it's not really my best work, im sorry.  
> could be really triggering so be careful, and stay safe <3

Gigi stared at herself in the mirror, ran her fingers over the pale skin of her hips, her stomach, her thighs. _Not enough._

Never enough.

So much counting, so much calculating, so little calories but so much guilt.

Her waist wasn’t getting thinner fast enough. 

She tilted her head, checked her jawline, scrutinized her collarbones. 

Never fast enough.

She sighed, dug her nails into her palms, ignored the hollow feeling in her stomach.

They expected perfection. _She_ expected perfection.

And she would deliver it. 

\--

Crystal saw. Sometimes she thought she was the only one who did.

They saw her thin waist, her perfect legs.

Crystal saw her shaking hands, the ribs you could count through her shirt.

They saw her flawless face, her long hair.

Crystal saw her sharp cheekbones, her teary eyes.

Crystal saw her bent over the sink in the bathroom, Crystal saw her decline food, Crystal saw strands of her hair fall out.

She cared. She tried.

Gigi refused it all.

\--

Crystal went into the bathroom to fix her makeup and found Gigi curled against the wall, breathing heavily, her face in her hands.

“Gigi, hey, you okay?” she said softly, kneeling beside the other girl. 

Gigi’s head shot up, surprise morphing into horror and hatred and fear.

“Yes. I’m fine,” she snapped, standing up and leaving the bathroom before Crystal could say anything.

Once upon a time, they had been friends.

\--

Gigi skips meal after meal.

The days get colder, longer, hazier.

She sees the look in Crystal’s eyes. It reveals how unhealthy she must look to everyone else, how skinny. But she looks in the mirror and only sees how fat she is. How disgusting. How _ugly_.

She’s getting closer to 100, so much closer, but not close enough. It’s an uphill battle for every pound, every half of one, and it gets so much harder. 

One day without eating isn’t enough anymore. It has to be two.

Then three.

Then four.

Then she passes out just from standing up in her bedroom but it still has to be five.

Crystal tries to talk to her in the halls, tries to corner her in the bathroom, begs her to eat something, _anything._

But the hunger feels so good, and the numbers are dropping, and her waist is _almost_ small enough.

\--

She promised herself she’d stop when she hit 100. 

But when she finally, _finally_ reaches it, and allows herself to eat, she gains weight again.

It’s only 0.2 pounds, but it’s 0.2 pounds too many.

She can't stop now, can’t destroy her progress. 

This time it’s six days. 

\--

Her friends don’t notice, but maybe they just don’t care.

Nicky, Dahlia, Jaida. They praise her.

_“You look so good!”_

_“Your waist is so thin, I’m jealous!”_

_“You could be a model with how skinny you are!”_

She loves it.

She listens to them compliment her and ignores Crystal’s piercing look of concern, boring into her back from down the school’s hallway.

And she knows Crystal can see the bumps of her spine through her shirt, knows that Crystal is filing that fact away inside her brain as one more thing to lecture her about. She knows it’ll just be one more thing to ignore. One more thing to brush off.

\--

Double digits.

Why did she ever, _ever,_ decide to stop at 100?

She’s 17 and weighs as much as someone half her age, and it feels so fucking good.

She passes out more now, her hands shake more now, she’s always so cold and she never has anyone there to warm her up, but she’s _beautiful._

That’s what matters.

\--

Tears on the collar of a black dress look fucking horrible, as Crystal soon learns.

She tried, she tried _so fucking hard,_ and it wasn’t enough.

“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped,” they say.

But it doesn’t matter.

Crystal tried, and in the end, it wasn’t enough.

The rain mixes with her tears, and the stars seem to mock her.

Crystal soon learns that hunger dulls the sharp edge of grief.


End file.
